私は大丈夫ですか？- Am I “Okay” (Is It Fine to Love Yourself First?)?

A: Hi, how are you?
B: I am okay, thank you. I really am okay.

Hey, are you often ask yourself that you really are okay? Are you okay with people around you? Have you ever thought that it is really okay to be you?


Okay, let me tell you first about myself--me who is often to feel this kind of feeling. I am not a girl who can socialize well. Well, I love socializing but I find it hard to start conversation. But once you—try to talk to me—I will always be welcomed, as long as I am comfortable with the topic that we talk about. No, no, I am not picky. I’m just really want to be good enough as the listener, as the partner. You know that you’ll be happy if I can be that kind of person, right? 
 

Well, it’s almost three years that I lived away from my hometown. Here in this city, I found many great and miserable things (lol?). one of them, is friends around me. Just like what I’ve said in the beginning, it’s kinda hard for some people, to talk to me, because I am just like that. Not only that, I 85% guarantee that your first impression about my look are:

•  Not friendly,
• Unhappy,
• “Leave me alone” face
•  And many other things that’s similar hahaha :--)

Oh well, I do really look like that, tho. I am not blaming you! But indeed sometimes I am. Because of that, there are just a really small amount of people who actually talk to me. And trust me, I am happy when they start talking to me—especially if we have the same interest! It’s fun. I can talk for hours with them—with you. And I, really treasure every moments we’ve spent. No, no, I am not being cheesy! I am being honest.

Okay, let’s continue!  

It’s not my first time for telling you guys about my social life. In real life, I am really quiet. I am too afraid to socialize. And to be honest, writing here on my blog is way better than speaking for real… I know it’s not a good thing as a human, but it feels like I can speak freely via text. And to be honest, I have lots of “private” social media accounts, that made me “speak louder” with lots of people via internet, and guess what? I enjoy it. I love having lots of people to talk to via this internet. I am happy that we can spazz over things together, even it’s not “real”. I often read comments on my “private” account, that there are lots of my internet friends who wants to meet me. It feels so good. It is overwhelming. They can love me from what I wrote, from the pictures I took, from the stories I wrote… Doesn’t it feel so good? 

Well, maybe the very first reason why I enjoy it, maybe because they can’t see me in person. I am sure that people won’t leave a good impression when they first saw me. I am not confident with my appearance—with my very own existence. 

My friends in real life do appreciate me for my passion, my academics… but they never do the same to my appearance—or even for stuffs I like. They said my hobbies—like writing, language learning, toy photography, K-Pop… are useless, not important, wasting time and energy, and so on, and so on… Sometimes, I am really confused, and drown with my thoughts:

“Why there are so many people said so? Is it me who weird? Is it me?”

I often asked the same thing to my mom, to my sister, to my close friends… and they said I am not weird. They said, I am different. That’s it. And nothing is wrong with that. Even though they said so, I wasn’t satisfied. I asked myself again, I read some psychology books, and they said exactly the same: Nothing is wrong with being yourself. 

The more I read, the more I realize that it’s true. Being different is not a sin. Being different is good. Friends—people who judge you are just them who still can’t accept that being different from others is not a bad thing. 

And, here I am. I am now trying to accept myself, and trying to be opened to others, so that they can know who am I. And, no. I am not forcing everyone to understand me, because I will keep being just like this: Dea who is full of dreams, Dea who loves doing things she loves, and Dea who loves everyone who loves her. I will be me. So that, I can know who are my friends are—who are people who worth it. 

And you guys, if you feel like you don’t belong, hey, you are not alone. There are people who are not as lucky as you. Be thankful, be yourself. Good things take times. Maybe now you feel like there are nobody who likes you, but who knows, later, in a really bright future, there are lots of people who adores you for being you. 

Hey, this world is waaaay so big! There are people who wants to meet someone like you. There are people who loves you.

I love you.

We love you.

But you, should love yourself first, okay?

Rest well,

Dea