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| http://instagram.com/deanzhafira |
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Hello, everyone! And happy new year! How have you been? I
hope all of you who read this, had an amazing celebration and holiday with your
beloved ones~! ^^
How was your 2015? Was it great? Well, my 2015 has been
though and kinda depressing, but of course, there were lots of happy moments
too.
2015 was a year that I turned 20, which has changed me,
especially in the way I think, the way I handle shits and people, even the way
I behave. But still, I know that inside of me, I am still childish, moody, and
sometimes annoying (because I don’t speak much). When I turned 20, I realized
that, it’s not only me who has been changed. But my friends, too. The way they behave,
the way they talk, the way they handle relationship, the way they communicate
with me… it all changed already.
And no, I am writing this not to blame anyone,
I just feel that, my friends acted so “social” since they turned 20. Why? I
don’t know. I, too, acted social. But unfortunately, not in my dorm or campus.
I went outside. It was literally my very first step to experience some new
stuffs outside—and more importantly, by myself. I made many new friends from
different cultures and backgrounds, and it felt so nice because they had the
same interest as me. For the first time since I moved to Jogja, this was the
first time ever for me to talk freely—and full of joy. And guess what? I
enjoyed all the activities I did outside my campus and dorm. It was so much
fun.
But, seems like not everyone happy with me—who move further
from them—who finally do stuffs that I love to do. People always judge. They
said, that I don’t have anything to do in campus because people in campus don’t
need me. They said that I am arrogant—don’t want to help the extracurricular in
campus. They said I am lonely. And, damn, guess what? I was depressed on that
time. I sometimes claimed myself as a person who is (was) depressed and has
(had) a social anxiety issue. I often think like that. Feel guilty of being
myself—being stressed over something that’s actually not a flaw—mistake. I
often cried for weeks, assumed that what they said was the only thing that
mattered—that I have to be like them—to be someone that they want me to be.
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| http://instagram.com/deanzhafira |
I had a hard time. I had no courage to tell that I did
nothing wrong—that there’s nothing wrong to be me.
And finally, I decided, that I shouldn’t have waste my time
and my energy to please them. People always judge anyways, so, why worried? I
kept doing things that makes me happy, and I really was (am) happy.
I have to change my mindset of everything—that there are
those things that I don’t have to be worried about.
But, change—needs time, too. From 2015, until now—the 7th
days in January 2016, I still have a difficulty to talk with some people,
especially them—who are in the same house with me. I still can feel that my
voice trembles whenever I say hi. I still can feel how low my voice is when
they ask me this, ask me that. I still can notice that my sights are getting
blurry—trying to avoid those creepy eye-contacts towards me.
It is really hard to stay positive. It is really hard to
forgive them—and to forgive myself.
I know, I’ve written lots of things that say, “you don’t have to be afraid of people,” meanwhile
I am here, still find it hard to do what I’ve said to you. It’s really
shameful. T__T
And yes. I finally realized that handling these waves by
yourself is hard. That’s why you need help—I need help. Those helps, I’ve
searched it so hard. I tried to make myself happy by spending money buying
books, buying albums, or even just spending time in my favorite coffee shop.
But, no. Being happy is not all about money, but it’s about a companion—an ally—a
shoulder to be leaned on—a pair of ears that is ready to listen all of your
worries and bad thoughts. Or, in this case, it can be shortened as—a friend. Someone
who tries his/her best to give you an advice—or even when they can’t—a hug is
enough.
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| cr to artist |
I finally admitted that I am (was) lonely, alone. Oh, well,
what’s the difference? Me—by myself. I miss my best friends who live in my hometown,
who always have their arms opened whenever I came back home. I miss my best
friends abroad, people who seemly understand me through what I write and share—and
always give me those “virtual hugs” whenever
I said that I am not okay. They are all I need—in my ups and downs. I love them
more than I love myself.
I should make sure that being strong isn’t like this. Being strong
is also having those who love you—who support you to be. So… I erase all those
mindset that “being-strong-is-when-I-can-handle-all-these-shits”
thing, and I finally tried to be opened to people that I trust. And, it felt
good. It felt good because they actually believe that you are strong, they make
sure that they will always support me however my situation is. It feels so good…
It feels good to know that you’re not alone. It feels good to know that you’re
loved. Just like you who read my blog whenever you need to, you have to know
that I love you, too.
Hey, I am trying. And I hope, in this 2016, when I finally
start my first year of being above 20, I will be able to handle all of these
storms. I will be an expert—an artist who can love her world, herself. I will
be a girl who always works hard without caring all those mouths which say only
garbage. I will be a girl—that my parents and little sister can be proud of.
I hope 2016 will be a new great journey and adventure for me—
—and for you, of course.
Stay happy and healthy, and let’s live a positive life,
Love,
Dea
*) ps: I am sorry to post this so late T___T been busy with
final exams of this semester! Please expect lots from me! I love you!
**) pss: I will try my best to keep writing for you, guys! Feel free to contact me whenever ~ ^^
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